I woke up early this morning with a sodden heart and shaky limbs. My entire body, every nerve, every bone, every cell, feels the jolt of the loss, like a sort of whole body amputation. I drove to work feeling the same way, trying to pray – with some success, but never enough. My chest especially aches with frequent stabs of pain. I am always on the verge of tears and they often spill over.
Much much lower on the scale of importance I am worried about the money – paying the nearly 10,000 bucks for the funeral. I have never been rich and 10K is an extravagant sum for me. I would have paid every cent I would ever earn to give my son a beautiful funeral, but my last car cost less than $10,000. I just do not generally operate in five-digit sums. We actually have two life insurance policies for Jesse, either of which would be just enough to cover the funeral expenses. However, Jesse’s death certificate says “pending” and the insurance companies want the exact cause of death before they will pay. I suppose they are hoping for a loophole so they don’t have to pay.
The medical examiner has told us nothing. We can only assume they were not able to find an obvious cause, but we really do not know what they did or did not find. all I have is a deceased young son and a death certificate with a check mark next to Pending. It is okay that they don’t know. I only with they’d send us a note saying so. Like “We found no obvious cause for your son’s death in the initial autopsy. We will be doing further analysis on his blood. You will receive our final results in xx weeks. We are sorry for your loss.” Or something like that. But from the office of the medical examiner we have received only silence so far.
I know the medical examiner’s office is part of a busy bureaucracy. The cop told Tom there were several shootings in Portsmouth the weekend Jesse died and I’m suspect there have been more tragic deaths since. I haven’t been following the news. But to live in a world system that simply has no time to be humane is in itself an evil thing. That is why the world system will eventually and probably suddenly go the way of the dinosaur. God intends humanity to live according to love, brotherhood, and in the spirit of truth rather than the spirit of expediency and material gain and I know perfectly well that God’s intention must triumph in the end. As sad as I am right not, at least I know without a doubt that my sadness will someday come to an end.