Feeling freaked out and scared and tired of trying to be positive and strong. We have not yet received a final death certificate and both insurance companies are “following up” and asking why I have not “provided the documentation they requested” and the funeral home is asking if we can pay more out of pocket since it is taking so long to get the insurance payment. The funeral home did a wonderful job and they deserve to get paid. It was quite an event. I was really hoping the next hugely expensive event in our lives would be a wedding, perhaps Jesse’s wedding, and not a funeral, but it is what it is and people need to be paid for their services. I really became aware of how needed the services of a professional funeral home are when the time comes.
But Jesse Jesse – why did this happen? Just a clue from the medical examiner would be so helpful. Maybe even a hint as to why it is taking so long to get results. All our guesses are just guesses, some of them wild guesses. It could be something really bad like someone slipped him so bad opium the night before or it could be something else really bad like his prescription medication mixed lethally with something else almost as bad like a brain aneurism or a heart defect or an infection that got to his heart. All of these things are nightmares that I would have done anything to prevent happening to my son, but I want to know which nightmare it was. I see these guesses as a deck of cards that I have to keep shuffling and drawing in my mind. If I knew the cause I would have deal with only one card and throw the rest of the wretched deck in the trash. It might be they can’t determine the cause. I think I could find peace with that card. I would just see it as the card that says God decided it was time to bring him home.
Also I am feeling the stress of the holidays coming on. I am usually stressed at holidays but now even the thought of Christmas brings me to tears. What will I do when they start playing Christmas music in all the stores? I guess I should be happy Jesse is spending this Christmas in Heaven with the one whose birth we celebrate, and I will try to be happy about that, but my throat is as tight as a bowstring as I write this and my face feels like it is going to explode with grief. And I just miss Jesse and wish he were here and I was getting ready to buy him Christmas and birthday presents and paying college tuition instead of funeral expenses.
For Jesse’s birthday, December 10th, I am thinking of having some kind of gathering for friends and family – a dinner, a potluck maybe, and then go out the grave with some candles with whoever wants to come and say a few words and perhaps lay a Christmas wreath on the grave. My appointment with the psychotherapist last week was cancelled due to the flood and has not been rescheduled. I may still go through with trying to meet with her but have doubts that it will do a bit of good. Christmas will still come and Jesse will not be here for it. I don’t think anyone but God can help me with that.