Well it’s Jesse’s birthday and Christmas season and everyone is celebrating. We are having a little get-together this Saturday to celebrate what would have been his 24th birthday. I have bought table cloths and am planning the deli tray and have ordered a cake: carrot with cream cheese icing, his favorite. I had them write on it “Jesse Forever.” I have even bought party favors: colorful pencils from Oriental Traders with “IMO Jesse: Hardknocksent.com” printed on them – the working name of the charity we are trying to start in his memory.
And I am having trouble not wanting to lay down and die. I don’t have the spirit to fake cheerfulness anymore. I don’t want to bring people down and try hard not to do that. But this blog is the one place I have to be perfectly honest and no one is under any obligation to read it. The truth is my heart feels like a block of lead in my chest cavity. In past years I have had Christmas music in my heart at this time of year. Now there is nothing in there but silence and the occasional dull thud. But I keep getting out of bed in the morning and trying. Rationally I know it is not yet my time. I have not yet reached my threescore and ten. Threescore and ten, by the way, is exactly how much time my Mom got. It feels so far away ….. it’s hard to see how I am going to make it to that finish line.
I am getting things done – things that in another context might feel like exciting accomplishments but in the current context just make me sad. I created a page on Fine Art America to sell Jesse’s art on all kinds of products. Aaron did an excellent job of creating super high-quality scans, so Jesse’s designs look good even blown up to the size of a shower curtain, one of the products we offer. I have put links on Facebook telling people that his artwork is available as prints, cards, tee-shirts, coffee mugs, etc. and I told them that that any profits go to starting the charity.
So far the page has gotten almost 500 visits but no one has bought a single item. I really believe I have some kind of sales-repelling vibe. I have never been able to get anyone to buy anything. But Jesse’s designs are so beautiful and we have tons of things that would make great gifts and it is Christmas shopping season and it’s for a good cause. And yet our sales add up to exactly $0.00. Maybe people don’t like Jesse’s art as much as they say they do. Maybe the products are too expensive. We don’t get much of the total cost. If something on the site costs $20.00, we might get $2.00. We don’t have the money to front the printing costs right now, so this is the only way we can afford to do it.
I do not know how to cheer myself up. I don’t know how to think about my life anymore. I have spent the last four months trying to find some positive hopeful redeeming way to think about Jesse death, something that will make if possible for me to keep living some kind of meaningful life. I have found strengthened faith in the promises and reality of Jesus Christ. There is much hope there. But it doesn’t seem to help much with my remaining years here on earth. It just makes me want to go where Jesse is.
Doing distracting things like social events doesn’t help at all. Parties and festivities only make me feel worse. What does help a little is people who tell me good things about what Jesse meant to them, and time alone with God gives me more comfort than anything else. I am going through the Psalms right now, one per day. This morning Psalm 30 gave me about as much comfort as anything has since Jesse’s died.
I will extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up,
And have not let my foes rejoice over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried out to You,
And You healed me.
3 O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.a]”>[a]
4 Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.b]”>[b]
5 For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
6 Now in my prosperity I said,
“I shall never be moved.”
7 Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain stand strong;
You hid Your face, and I was troubled.
8 I cried out to You, O Lord;
And to the Lord I made supplication:
9 “What profit is there in my blood,
When I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You?
Will it declare Your truth?
10 Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me;
Lord, be my helper!”
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.